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As someone who is not involved in an abusive relationship it can be hard to understand why someone else might be reluctant to do something about their situation. Below you will find information to help you understand and some suggestions on how you can help..
Why do women stay in abusive relationships?
There are many reasons why a woman might stay in, or return to, an abusive environment, including:
- fear of reprisal
- reluctant to break up the family
- concern about children's welfare and/or about losing custody
- lack of money, job skills and/or opportunities
- concern about pets, property, possessions
- fear of being alone
- cultural, religious beliefs
- pressure from family, friends
- feelings of shame and embarrassment
- believe abuser's promises to change
Women attempt to leave an average of six to seven times before making the final move away from an abusive relationship.
Why don't more women report cases of assault to the police?
Victims may not report assault for several reasons including fear of retaliation, lack of knowledge about legal rights, and concern that they won't be believed. They may feel intimidated by the criminal justice system or worry that the police and courts will not protect them adequately.
What to do if you think someone you know is being abused. Give practical support.
- Offer a ride to the doctor, lawyer or other appointments
- Volunteer your time and/or vehicles to assist with moving
- Provide childcare and support with the children
Give emotional support.
- Listen to her
- Attend appointments with her to be her "ears", especially in the early stages as it may be difficult for her to remember details during this stressful time
- Let her leave her important papers and a suitcase of clothes at your place
- Share a meal
Help financially.
- Offer to baby-sit
- Help to pay for some of the groceries, bills and other expenses
Show understanding and acceptance.
- Believe her
- Listen and let her talk about her feelings
- Give clear messages that:
- violence is never okay or justifiable
- the safety of a woman and her children is always the most important issue
- if she feels she needs to leave due to any form of abuse, including emotional abuse, shelter may be an option
- she is not to blame for her abuser's behaviour
- she cannot change her partner's behaviour
- apologies and promises will not end the abuse
- she is not alone nor crazy
- abuse is not loss of control; it is a way of controlling another person
- Talk with her about what she can do to plan for her and her children's safety
- Help them cover their tracks
If a friend or family member is the victim of abuse, one thing they don't need is their abuser finding out that they have been searching for information online by using their home computer. If they've visited some Internet sites, there is probably a trail of evidence on their computer. It is possible for someone with computer skills to track their email and the websites they've visited. For some ways to erase the evidence, click here.
Help them make a Safety Plan
By making a safety plan now, a person and her children will know ahead of time, what steps they need to take to be safer before a further violent situation were to occur.
Click here to go to two checklists that will help your friend or family member map out their safety plan. One is for what to do before a violent incident and the other is for what to do during a violent incident.
- Encourage her to make her own decisions
- Help her find the good things about herself and her children
- Know the key resources in the community and how to contact them
- Respect her confidentiality and support her decision
- Let her keep her important papers and extra clothes at your house in case she has to leave her home quickly to escape violence
Some advice is not useful and may even be dangerous for her to hear:
- Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave
- Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder
- Don't try to rescue her by finding quick solutions
- Don't suggest she try to talk to her partner to straighten things out
- Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children
- Don't lose patience if she leaves, then returns. She still needs your support
Don't judge her or her choices |
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